Let’s talk about…Hallmark Original Christmas Movies

I know. The title of this blog article is contradictory. While the Hallmark movies are all “original” as in they are not spin-offs or a franchises, they are not necessarily “original” in ideas. They’re predictable, not very deep in plot and always end the way you expect.

And that’s why I love them!

With the kids home from school during that freezing time of year, the predictability factor is key. I can put on the Hallmark Channel and let it ride without worrying about what kinds of things I’ll have to explain to them. I love cheesy rom-coms and have made the mistake of having something on while the girls were playing that depicts the inevitable sex as the two main characters finally falling in love. I get it from a filmmaker standpoint, it is the easiest way to show an emotion on the screen. However, I have three daughters, I don’t want them to associate sex with true love. That can lead to trouble in their teens!

Here comes a bit of a rabbit trail. Do you remember the movie He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)? Something in that movie stuck with me about raising daughters and it pointed out how silly it is to tell them that the little boy throwing rocks at them actually likes them. Instead, I tell them that boys can be immature and it’s best to ignore them when they act that way. Anyhow, there are enough blogs on parenting and this isn’t one of them. My being a parent just happens to shape some of my programming choices. Hence, Hallmark Christmas Movies have become a favorite of my girls and I. My husband and our teenage son, not so much (though, they’ve been known to get sucked in).

What’s awful and good about these movies is that they are all the same story. Girl meets boy whom she can’t stand. Usually one or both is a half-orphan of sorts. One loves Christmas, the other screams “Bah-humbug!” They are forced to spend time together where they inevitably can’t help falling for each other. The movie ends in a kiss and even a marriage proposal. This formula works for their non-Christmas movies, as well – just replace Christmas with _______ (fill in the blank with “weddings”, “dogs”, “their small town” “the sea” “garbage” etc.). And don’t forget the cherry on top: the cheesy title.

I like these movies because it’s always basically “How many ways can you tell the same story?” Deconstructing even the most epic of blockbuster film boils down to simple formulaic storytelling that’s all been done in one way or another. However, with the Hallmark Originals it’s always something lighthearted.

Which is why I’ve decided to write my own Hallmark style Christmas movie, while I wait for permission (or denial) from Paramount to continue writing Wayne’s World Jr.

It will have all the Hallmark Original Movie elements. The cheesy title: A True Christmas. The basic Hallmark formula as described in the working logline: A Pollyanna-like busy single-mom gets paired with a bah-humbug Danny-Downer type for their community college project where he discovers the true meaning of Christmas.

Here’s a sample – the first few pages of the first draft:

Continue reading

Wayne’s World Jr.

I got the coolest email the other day…from Penelope Spheeris, the director of Wayne’s World (1992). As a person of a certain age, I spent my entire 6th grade year speaking in Wayne’s World one-liners (now I’ve gone and given you enough clues to figure out my age).

I am trying to track down permission for the rights that I need in order to write a script that’s forming in my head. A project I call Wayne’s World Jr. Ms. Spheeris was kind enough to email me back to let me know that Paramount now owns everything Wayne’s World. I’ve submitted my request to Paramount (to two separate contacts there actually), so maybe I’ll hear something in six months to a year. Maybe not.

In the meantime, I’m imagining a world where Wayne Jr. is a closeted suit-wearing Kenny G lover (his sister, Cassandra Jr. just might have to rat him out), Benjamin is married to Stacy and the toddler Garth Jr. (ever his dad’s mini-me) is Garth Sr.’s wing man. Wayne still parties and Cassandra still wails…well, until 10pm.  Excellent!

Fun Fact about Penelope Spheeris: She worked her way through her UCLA MFA program at IHOP and Denny’s!

Atophill Productions presents Stuck in Funk

My Stuck in Funk feature length screenplay has been my baby for awhile. It grew inside me (well, from inside my brain), I nurtured it from a one line concept into the full blown screenplay it was destined to become.

All right – it wasn’t quite that dramatic. Basically, I had voices in my head that needed to get on paper.

Intrigued? Here’s the official synopsis in association with Erkki Kanto at Atophill Films:

http://www.atophill.com/mp/Stuck-IN-Funk_SYN-0617.pdf

Now onto my next project…stay tuned!

Eagerly awaiting premier of Mom on CBS starring Anna Faris and Allison Janney

mom_confessions_sec
Image Courtesy of CBS.com

With summer winding down, I’m jonesin’ for the season premiers of all my favorite shows. One of the best, Mom on CBS, stars my fellow Westside (must do W gang sign as you read “Westside”) Washington native, Anna Faris and the hilarious Allison Janney. The mom and daughter duo dig their way out of the messes and dysfunction alcoholism has inflicted on their lives as they continue to stay sober. If you haven’t ever caught an episode or two, you have homework to do. It’s just the right amount of serious that’s mixed, shaken and stirred with punchy humor. Ah, refreshing.

As I said, I’m jonesin’ for new episodes (perhaps there are AA meetings for TV junkies like me). So instead of impatiently waiting, I wrote my own spec  script for an episode of mom.

Here’s a transcript of my Mom episode:

“Some Old Things and a Night Club”

(Please note if you are a writer or affiliated with CBS I release all liability – I won’t sue you if you use any of this on purpose or by mistake)

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. CAFE – EVENING (DAY 1)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, JILL, WENDY, MARJORIE, WAITER, EXTRAS)

CHRISTY, BONNIE, JILL AND WENDY SIT AROUND THE BOOTH.  ALL ARE IN HEAVEN, SAVORING THEIR LAST BITES OF CHEESECAKE SLICES.  LOTS OF MOANS.

CHRISTY

Mmmm.  I never would have been an alcoholic if I found this cheesecake first.  Diabetic, yes, but sober.

BONNIE

I never would have had you if I found this cheesecake first.

WENDY

Where’s the waiter?  I need another.

JILL

Careful there.  Overeaters Anonymous houses a rough crowd.

THE WAITER HANDS THE BILL TO CHRISTY AND WALKS AWAY.

CHRISTY

That reminds me.  I gotta call my bookie.

CHRISTY PASSES THE BILL TO BONNIE WHO PASSES IT TO JILL WHO PASSES IT TO WENDY.  WENDY PLACES IT IN THE EMPTY SEAT WHERE MARJORIE USUALLY SITS.

BONNIE

Oh, that’s why the cheesecake was so good.  It didn’t come with a side of nag.

CHRISTY

I haven’t seen Marjorie all week.

WENDY

Me either.  Not even at a meeting.

MARJORIE COMES IN AND SITS DOWN, HEAVY RUNNING MAKEUP AND DRESSED LIKE A 20 YEAR OLD AT A CLUB – VERY ROUGH.  SHE GRABS BONNIE’S COFFEE AND FINISHES IT.

BONNIE

Please.  Help yourself.

JILL

What’s going on here?  Did they kick you out of the Golden Girls?

CHRISTY

Are you okay?

MARJORIE

Fine.  I’m just tired.

BONNIE

You look like a prostitute who got thrown out of the car.

WENDY

I hate it when that happens.

MARJORIE

I gotta run.  I have to take one of my cats to the vet.

SHE STANDS UP.  BONNIE CLEARS HER THROAT.

BONNIE

You’re not going to pitch in?  You did drink my coffee.

MARJORIE LETHARGICALLY PULLS CASH OUT OF HER BRA AND STICKS IT IN THE BILL BEFORE SHE LEAVES.

JILL

I don’t know what Victoria’s secret is, but now I know Marjorie’s secret.  She’s a hooker.

BONNIE COUNTS THE CASH.

BONNIE

She paid the whole bill.

JILL

That’s a good look on her.

WENDY

Always nice when she joins us.

CHRISTY

Such an angel from Heaven.

CUT TO MAIN TITLES:

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT

FADE IN:

INT. CHRISTY’S APARTMENT – MORNING (DAY 2)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE)

CHRISTY SCOURS THE COUCH CUSHIONS FOR CHANGE.  VICTORIOUS, SHE HOLDS UP A QUARTER.

CHRISTY

Yes!  Only 7,999 more of these suckers and I’ll be out of debt.

SHE HOLDS IT UP TO HER MOUTH TO KISS IT AND STOPS SHORT.

CHRISTY

Dammit, Canadian.

SHE CHUCKS IT AS BONNIE ENTERS IN THE FRONT DOOR, FANCY COFFEE DRINK IN HAND.

BONNIE

Watch it!  That’s my retirement you’re throwing away.

CHRISTY

You’re not even allowed in Canada.

BONNIE

No, Bonnie Plunkett is not allowed in Canada.  Mildred Pendergast will live quite comfortably on the shores of Lake …

CHRISTY

Who’s Mildred Pendergast?

BONNIE TAKES A LONG DRINK OF HER DREAMY COFFEE.  CHRISTY’S JEALOUS, BUT BACK TO SCOURING.

BONNIE

Wouldn’t you like to know.  What’s up with you?

CHRISTY

Just cleaning out the couch.

SHE TOSSES A CHEETO ASIDE, FINDS A BRA AND HANDS IT TO BONNIE.  BONNIE SLURPS HER COFFEE OBNOXIOUSLY.

CHRISTY

I would’ve liked a fancy coffee.

BONNIE

Yeah, and I would’ve liked it if you would’ve stayed with that nice gypsy family I sold you to.  Then I would’ve had enough money in my savings to get you your own fancy drink.  I only had enough for one.

BONNIE SLURPS AGAIN.  CHRISTY, ANNOYED AS ALWAYS.

CHRISTY

You have a savings account?

BONNIE

Yes, and I’d appreciate it if you’d put the cushions back on it.

CHRISTY THROWS THE CUSHIONS BACK ON AS BONNIE TOSSES HER CANADIAN QUARTER BACK IN.

CHRISTY

I gotta get ready for work anyhow.

SHE WALKS INTO THE:

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

BONNIE FOLLOWS HER IN.  CHRISTY’S PHONE RINGS.

CHRISTY

Hello?  (~beat) But I have seniority?  (Beat) I don’t care if she’s a better waitress than I am.  I need the money.  (Beat) Fine, bye.

SHE HANGS UP AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.  BONNIE POURS THE LAST OF THE COFFEE POT INTO A MUG AND JOINS HER.  CHRISTY GRABS FOR IT.

CHRISTY

Oh, thanks.

BONNIE IGNORES CHRISTY’S DESPERATION FOR COFFEE AS SHE TAKES UP THE MUG TO HER LIPS, LEGS BOUNCING WILDLY.

CHRISTY

Nevermind.  Clearly you haven’t had enough caffeine today.

BONNIE

What happened?

CHRISTY

My shift got canceled tonight.  It’s not supposed to be busy.  They kept Natasha on instead.

BONNIE

But you’ve got more experience.

CHRISTY

Something about her being more classy than me.  A better image for the clientele.  I’m classy!

BONNIE REACHES OVER AND PULLS A CHEETO OUT CHRISTY’S HAIR.

BONNIE

Here let me get you some Grey Poupon to dip your Cheeto in, Miss Classy Pants.

CHRISTY YANKS THE CHEETO OUT OF BONNIE’S HAND.

CHRISTY

Gimme that.

BONNIE

Ten bucks says you want to eat that, don’t you?

CHRISTY

I won’t take that bet.

BONNIE

Because you’ll lose?

BONNIE GETS GREY POUPON OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND SITS BACK DOWN.

CHRISTY

No!  Yes.  And because that’s why I’m in this mess.

BONNIE

Should have started a savings account like me.

CHRISTY PICKS UP HER PHONE AND DIALS.

BONNIE

Who are you calling?

CHRISTY

Someone who’s checked into reality.  (Beat) Marjorie?  Where are you?  I can’t hear you.  Where?  (Beat) Where?  (Beat) Huh?  (Beat) Where?

BONNIE ROLLS HER EYES, TAKES THE PHONE AND HANGS IT UP.

BONNIE

The old witch’s broom finally broke the sound barrier huh?

CHRISTY

No, I think she said she was at Jill’s.  She sounded wasted.

BONNIE

Oh, man.  The first binge after thirty plus years of sobriety, that’s one heck of a high!

THEY GRAB THEIR PURSES OFF THE COUNTER AND EXIT.

CUT TO:

INT. JILL’S HOUSE – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 2)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, JILL, MASSEUSE)

JILL LAYS ON THE MASSAGE TABLE AS THE ASIAN MASSEUSE, ANNIE WATCHES TELEMUNDO ONE HAND LAZILY MASSAGING JILL’S BACK.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.  THEY DON’T EVEN HEAR IT.  RINGS AGAIN.  FINALLY BONNIE AND CHRISTY LET THEMSELVES IN.  THEY COME IN SOAKING WET.

BONNIE

No, don’t get up.  We enjoy a good torrential downpour.

ANNIE

Shhh.  Pablo’s going to ask Enrique to the charity ball.

BONNIE

Jill?  Tell the help to not shush me.

JILL LETS OUT A BIG SNORE.

CHRISTY

(To annie) Which one’s Pablo?

BONNIE GIVES JILL A THUMP ON HER BACK WITH HER ELBOW.  JILL POPS UP.

JILL

That was great, Annie.  Here you go.

JILL HANDS OUT A WAD OF CASH FOR ANNIE, WHO’S STILL GLUED TO TELEMUNDO.  BONNIE SNAGS IT AND STICKS IT IN HER BRA.

JILL

Oh, Bonnie, Christy, what are you guys doing here?

BONNIE

Marjorie told Christy she was over here.

JILL SITS UP ALL THE WAY, SHE’S MISSING HER SHIRT STILL FROM HER MASSAGE (CONVENIENTLY SHIELDED BY A PLANT OF COURSE).  BONNIE STARES.

BONNIE

Huh.

JILL

What?

BONNIE

It’s just with all your money, you’d think you’d get the C package.

JILL REALIZES SHE’S TOPLESS AND SLIDES ON HER SHIRT.  ANNIE SHARES HER BOWL OF POPCORN WITH CHRISTY AS THEY’RE BOTH STILL GLUED TO THE TV.

BONNIE

So was Marjorie here?

JILL

No.  But I have an idea of where she’s been.

BONNIE HITS CHRISTY TO SNAP HER OUT OF HER TELEMUNDO TRANCE.  ANNIE FINALLY NOTICES JILL IS UP, SO SHE TRIES TO LOOK BUSY.

CHRISTY

Ouch.  Pablo would never treat Enrique that way.

BONNIE

Let’s go.

JILL

You guys going out in your pajamas?

CHRISTY

These are my clothes.

JILL

C’mon.

JILL LEADS THEM TO THE STAIRS.

CUT TO:

INT. JILL’S CLOSET – LATER (DAY 2)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, JILL)

CHRISTY, BONNIE AND JILL WEAR RIDICULOUS REVEALING CLUB-STYLE OUTFITS – CHRISTY’S IS WAY TOO LONG.  PILES OF CLOTHES THEY’VE ALREADY TRIED ON SURROUND THEM.

JILL

Now, isn’t that better?

CHRISTY

I guess.  I still don’t know where we’re going but let’s go.

BONNIE

Can we take your car?

JILL

I wouldn’t be caught dead in your tin can.

CHRISTY

Can I drive?

BONNIE

Fine, you can drive, but I’m moving into this room when we get back.

JILL

Room?  This is just a little closet.

CHRISTY

It’s bigger than our entire apartment.  Oh nevermind, let’s go.

BONNIE

Shotgun!

JILL

My car.  I get shotgun.

CHRISTY

No, she wants an actual shotgun.  She’s annoyed at me.  She used to yell it whenever I’d whine about having no food.

BONNIE

What I spent on drugs, I saved on the grocery bill.

CUT TO:

EXT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – EVENING (DAY 2)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, JILL, MARJORIE, BOUNCER, EXTRAS)

CHRISTY, BONNIE AND JILL MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE OF 20-SOMETHING MEAT MARKET SHOPPERS.  THE BOUNCER LOOKS THEM UP AND DOWN.  HE LAUGHS.

BONNIE

Excuse me?

BOUNCER

You heard me.  I said “ha ha!”

CHRISTY

You better be laughing at the line behind us.  Cute how they think they’re going to find anything other than low self-esteem in there.

A COUPLE DIFFERENT GROUPS OF PEOPLE LEAVE THE LINE, HEADS DOWN.

BOUNCER

No, Chihuahua, I’m laughing at you guys.  Aren’t you a little old to be here?

CHRISTY BARES HER TEETH.  BONNIE HOLDS HER BACK WITH ONE HAND ON HER FOREHEAD.

BONNIE

Excuse me, but do you know who she is?  This is Jill.  She owns this club.  (To jill) Don’t you?

JILL

Well, it’s named after me.  I did some stuff in there.

BOUNCER

You’re Jill?  Thank goodness, you’re off the wagon.  This job’s been a real snooze-fest since you’ve stopped drinkin’…and lighting things on fire.

HE STEPS ASIDE AND LETS THEM IN.

INT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – CONTINUOUS (DAY 2)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, JILL, MARJORIE, WENDY, MANAGER, EXTRAS)

WOMEN AND MEN DANCE ON THE TINY COCKTAIL TABLES – A REAL COYOTE UGLY SITUATION.  IT LOOKS LIKE A MADHOUSE RUN BY HOOKERS AND PIMPS.

BONNIE

Wow, it’s like seeing it in the daylight.  I can’t believe I was too high to notice how –

CHRISTY

How pathetic these places are?

BONNIE

No, how awesome this is.  I’m one of the beautiful people!

BONNIE BOBS HER HEAD LIKE A DWEEB TO THE TECHNO STYLE MUSIC.

CHRISTY

What are we even doing here?  Marjorie wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this.

BONNIE

There she is.

BONNIE POINTS ACROSS THE ROOM WHERE MARJORIE SITS AT A TABLE FULL OF EMPTIES.  EXHAUSTED.

JILL

How’d she get past the bouncer?

CHRISTY

She does still have the legs and ass of a 20 year old.

BONNIE

Yeah, but the face of Old Man Whithers.

CHRISTY

She does look awful.  I’m worried about her.  She’s been sober longer than I’ve been alive.  Should we go confront her?

BONNIE

She’s like a ticking time bomb.  This will be fun.  Let’s go.

THEY TURN AROUND TO FIND JILL HAS WANDERED OFF OVER TO THE BAR.  AS SHE TALKS TO THE MANAGER.

JILL

Sorry, I still don’t remember you.

MANAGER

Abraham Lincoln birthmark ring a bell?

JILL

No, but can I see it (air quotes) again?

THE MANAGER HANDS HER HIS NUMBER.  CHRISTY AND BONNIE CHECK HIM OUT.

CHRISTY / BONNIE

Nice.

THEY ALL TURN BACK AROUND AND MARJORIE’S DISAPPEARED.

FADE TO BLACK:

END OF

ACT

FADE IN:

INT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – CONTINUOUS (DAY 2)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, WENDY, MARJORIE, PERV-GUY, EXTRAS)

MARJORIE HIDES AROUND THE CORNER ON HER CELL PHONE.

MARJORIE

Wendy?  I think Bonnie’s brought Christy and Jill to the dark side.

INT. CAFE – SAME TIME

(WENDY, EXTRAS)

WENDY SHOVES THE LAST BITE OF HER BELOVED CHEESECAKE INTO HER MOUTH.  THERE ARE HELPINGS AT THE EMPTY SEATS.  SHE GRABS THE ONE NEXT TO HER.

WENDY

What d’ya mean?

INTERCUT BETWEEN MARJORIE AND WENDY.

MARJORIE

They’re at a bar.

WENDY

Yeah, so?

MARJORIE

Dressed like hookers.  I think they’re trying to score.  So they can score.

WENDY GRABS ANOTHER CHEESECAKE PLATE.

WENDY

Have they no self control?

MARJORIE

I gotta go.

MARJORIE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS CHRISTY, BONNIE AND JILL WALK UP.

BONNIE

Who was that?  Your drug dealer?

CHRISTY

Yeah, you are so busted.

MARJORIE STANDS UP.

MARJORIE

Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?

A YOUNG PERV-GUY GRINDS UP ON MARJORIE AND HANDS HER A WAD OF CASH.

PERV-GUY

I’ll see you tomorrow, lover.

CHRISTY

Oh my gosh.  What did you do for that guy?  And is it something I would do?

MARJORIE

You’d be surprised how many of these men and women are into mature ladies.

BONNIE

Sign me up.

MARJORIE

I said mature, not old.

CHRISTY

What are you doing here?

MARJORIE

I work here.

JILL

We can see that you’re a Pretty Woman working girl.  But why?

MARJORIE

No, I’m a cocktail server.

CHRISTY

Are they hiring?  I don’t get tips like that at the restaurant.

MARJORIE

Yes, talk to the manager.  Be sure to mention your stretch-marks.  He knows his clientele are into weird stuff.

BONNIE

What do you need a job for anyway?  I thought you were set for what’s left of your life.

MARJORIE

The medical bills are piling up.

JILL

Oh, thank goodness.  I didn’t want to help with another intervention.  Those are such a drag.

CHRISTY

Oh, Marjorie.  I have to pay my bookie, but once she’s paid, I’ll pitch in.

BONNIE

My savings is wiped.

THEY ALL LOOK AT JILL.

JILL

Oh, fine.  I’ll let you sell some of my shoes or something.

CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT – DAY (DAY 3)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, MARJORIE, JILL, WENDY, EXTRAS)

THE AA MEETING IS IN PROGRESS.  THEY ALL CLAP AS ONE OF THE EXTRAS SITS BACK DOWN FROM THE PODIUM.

WENDY

Anyone else?

CHRISTY RAISES HER HAND.

CHRISTY

Hi, Christy, alcoholic.

ALL

Hi, Christy.

CHRISTY

I was so quick to doubt my friend’s sobriety and assume the worst, even though she’s been sober for decades.  It’s kind of a wake up call because even though I know everyone says, “Christy, you have it all together…”

BONNIE LEANS OVER TO JILL.

BONNIE

She doesn’t even say it to herself in the mirror.

CHRISTY

But I know there’s always that small part that is one drink away from failing.  Thanks.

ALL CLAP.

CUT TO:

INT. CAFE – LATER (DAY 3)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, WENDY, JILL, EXTRAS)

CHRISTY PUSHES HER CHEESECAKE ASIDE, WENDY NABS IT.

CHRISTY

I gotta get going.  Today’s my first day at the nightclub.

WENDY

Are you sure you’re not putting yourself in temptation’s way?

BONNIE

Are you sure you should eat another one of those cheesecakes?

WENDY

I can quit anytime.

JILL

Spoken like a true addict.

CHRISTY STANDS UP, DRESSED FOR THE CLUB.  BONNIE WEARS AN OVERCOAT AND GETS UP AFTER HER.

BONNIE

I gotta run too.

CHRISTY

Where are you going?

BONNIE SLIPS OFF THE OVERCOAT TO REVEAL A TINY OUTFIT.

BONNIE

I’m coming with you.

WENDY

You mean you got yourself a real job?

BONNIE

Oh, my, no.  I’m just gonna show up and see what kind of tips I can get.

CHRISTY

Here’s a tip: It’s not bring your mother to work day.

CUT TO:

EXT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT (DAY 3)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, BOUNCER, EXTRAS)

CHRISTY AND BONNIE APPROACH THE BOUNCER.

CHRISTY

Remember us?

BOUNCER

No.

BONNIE

We work here now.

CHRISTY

Well, I work here.  I don’t know what she’s doing.

BOUNCER

(Sarcastic) Oh, goody.

HE STEPS ASIDE SO THEY CAN GO IN.  CHRISTY STARTS IN, BONNIE HANGS BACK.

BONNIE

Listen, buddy.  If we’re gonna be co-workers, you could be a bit more enthusiastic.

BOUNCER

You think you could do a better job?  I just sit here all night while everyone else gets to go in and have fun.

BONNIE

Yes, I could do a better job.

THE BOUNCER MOTIONS TOWARDS HIS POST.

BONNIE

I’m the one with all the power!

THE BOUNCER LEAVES, SHE WAVES THE NEXT GROUP FORWARD.

BONNIE

You may enter.  That feels good.

A COUPLE OF DOUCHEY GUYS APPROACH.

BONNIE

You think you’re God’s gift to women, do ya?

THEY NOD AND SLICK THEIR HAIR BACK, SYNCHRONIZED.

BONNIE

Nah, I don’t like your stupid faces.  Denied.

THEY TRY TO SLIP HER A TWENTY.  SHE SNEERS.  THEY HAND HER A FIFTY.  SHE APPROVES AND STEPS ASIDE SO THEY CAN GO IN.

BONNIE

I’m drunk with power!

CUT TO:

INT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 3)

(CHRISTY, BARTENDER, JAMES, MARJORIE, EXTRAS)

CHRISTY APPROACHES THE BARTENDER AT THE BAR.  SHE READS OFF HER PAPER PAD.

CHRISTY

I need a Tijuana Hooker.

BARTENDER

Don’t we all?

CHRISTY

A, um, Slippery Nipple.

BARTENDER

Oh, yeah, that does sound nice.

CHRISTY

Do you have to do that after each drink?

BARTENDER

I don’t have to.

CHRISTY

Good.  Cuz I also need to get a Duck Fart.

BARTENDER

Ew.  Can I get you something too?  Soda?  Water?

CHRISTY

Just water.  On the rocks.

JAMES, ABOUT 40, TURNS FROM HIS BARSTOOL TO CHRISTY.

JAMES

Christy?  That is you.  I’d know that “on the rocks” anywhere!

CHRISTY

Oh, yeah.  I used to say that a lot.  And sometimes “let’s go score some rock.”

JAMES

Gosh, I haven’t seen you since, what, New Year’s 2005?

CHRISTY

Probably.  It’s all kind of a blur.

BARTENDER PUTS THE THREE DRINKS PLUS WATER DOWN ON CHRISTY’S TRAY.

JAMES

I see not much has changed.

CHRISTY

Oh, this?  I actually work here.  Just need some extra cash.

JAMES

Your bookie’s still after you, huh?

CHRISTY

Ease up on the Ginkgo Biloba.  You have a great memory.

SHE PICKS UP HER TRAY AND WALKS OFF.

JAMES

Man, if I knew you’d still look this good, I would’ve asked you to marry me instead of that other girl.  My wife hasn’t aged well at all.

MARJORIE PASSES CHRISTY WITH HER EMPTY TRAY ON HER WAY TO THE BAR.

MARJORIE

Oh, how do you know James?

CHRISTY

If I only knew.

CUT TO:

EXT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – LATER (DAY 3)

(BONNIE, CHRISTY, EXTRAS, JILL, WENDY)

BONNIE IS STILL ON HER POWER TRIP, EXCEPT SHE’S NOW SCARING PEOPLE AWAY.

BONNIE

I’m in charge!  You guys get out of my face.

PEOPLE LEAVE THE LINE.  CHRISTY COMES OUT AND LEANS AGAINST THE WALL, BONNIE JOINS HER.  A FEW PEOPLE FILE INTO THE CLUB, BUT NOT WITHOUT PLACING A FEW BUCKS IN BONNIE’S OUTSTRETCHED HAND.

BONNIE

How’s it going in there?

CHRISTY

Humiliating.

BONNIE

That’s not so bad.  You’re used to that.

CHRISTY

Yeah.  I ran into some guy I used to know.  I don’t really remember him though.

BONNIE

Well, he was probably hot.  I’m only letting the hotties in.  So did you get his number?

CHRISTY

No.  I didn’t want to either.  He only remembers fun party Christy.  Loser Christy.

BONNIE

But you’re not a loser anymore.

CHRISTY

Mom, I took a job at a dirty dance club in order to pay my bookie.

BONNIE

But you’re sober.  And you got good genes going for you.

CHRISTY

You’re a 50 year old wannabe bouncer.

BONNIE

I prefer gatekeeper.

JILL

I’m back, bitches!

JILL APPROACHES BONNIE AND CHRISTY. SHE’S DRESSED TO THE NINES AND MOVING A MILE A MINUTE.

EXTRAS

It’s Jill!  OMG Jill’s back.  This is so epic.

JILL

Let me in.  I’m off the wagon.  (Whispers to christy and bonnie) I’m not off the wagon.  (Loud) And I’m ready to party.

JILL CHUGS SOMETHING OUT OF A PAPER BAG.  THE PEOPLE IN LINE PULL OUT WADS OF CASH TO GET IN.

BONNIE

Not off the wagon, huh?

JILL

Relax.  I’ve just had a few Shock-ballz Energy Drinks.

CHRISTY

A few?  Is that safe?  Or legal?

WENDY FINALLY CATCHES UP TO JILL.  SHE STRUGGLES TO CATCH HER BREATH.

WENDY

Man, you move fast on those things.  I brought the paddles just in case your heart stops.

JILL CHUGS AGAIN.

JILL

Let’s do this.

JILL AND WENDY HEAD IN.

CUT TO:

INT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – MOMENTS LATER

(JILL, WENDY, MARJORIE, BARTENDER, EXTRAS)

JILL’S PASSED OUT ON THE BAR.  WENDY STRADDLES HER AND USES THE AED PADDLES ON HER.  THE CROWD HAS A BLAST.

WENDY

You’re not going to die on my watch.

SHE ZAPS HER GOOD WITH THE PADDLES.  JILL STANDS UP QUICK ON THE BAR, TOSSING WENDY OFF IN THE PROCESS.

JILL

Who’s ready to party?

CHEERS ALL AROUND.

CUT TO:

INT. CHRISTY’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – MORNING (DAY 4)

(CHRISTY)

CHRISTY PUTS A FILTER IN THE COFFEE POT.  SHE GRABS THE EMPTY CONTAINER OUT OF THE CUPBOARD AND TOSSES IT IN THE TRASH.

CHRISTY

I live with an animal.

SHE WALKS INTO THE:

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

SHE PLOPS ON THE COUCH, A DOLLAR BILL FLOATS OUT.  SHE LIFTS THE COUCH CUSHION TO FIND BEAUCOUP BUCKS – HER EYES POP OUT OF HER HEAD AS THEY TEND TO DO.

CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT – LATER (DAY 4)

(CHRISTY, MARJORIE, JILL, BONNIE, WENDY, RUTHIE, EXTRAS)

EVERYONE EXCEPT JILL SIT WHILE MARJORIE SHARES AT THE PODIUM.  BONNIE SIPS AN ULTRA FANCY COFFEE.

MARJORIE

Even though I miss my cats while I’m at work and the job isn’t somewhere I pictured myself…

BONNIE

(Leans over to wendy) None of us wanted to picture it.

WENDY

Let alone see it.

MARJORIE

…I am grateful that I am healthy enough to work.  And most importantly sober enough to work.

APPLAUSE ALL AROUND.

MARJORIE

Thank you.

SHE TAKES HER SEAT.  BONNIE APPROACHES THE PODIUM.

BONNIE

Bonnie.  Alcoholic.  Among other things.

ALL

Hi, Bonnie.

BONNIE

I just want to say, I too am grateful –

JILL BURSTS IN WEARING DARK SHADES, SHE’S IN ROUGH SHAPE.  SHE CLUMSILY TAKES HER SEAT.

BONNIE

May I continue?

JILL’S CHAIR SQUEAKS THE FLOOR AGAIN.  SHE NODS.

BONNIE

As I was saying, I’m grateful too.  I found a good paying job that allows me to use my wonderful people skills.

STIFLED SNICKERS ALL AROUND.

BONNIE

What?  I’m good with people?

LESS THAN STIFLED SNICKERS.

BONNIE

Oh, screw you guys.  I’m delightful.

SHE SITS BACK DOWN.  JILL WANDERS UP.

JILL

I’m Jill.  I found out that I can have as much fun sober as I had when I was drinking.  The best part is that I remember all of it.

RUTHIE, A GERIATRIC WOMAN WITH WRINKLES ON HER WRINKLES LEANS OVER TO WENDY.

RUTHIE

I still remember that lap dance I gave Eisenhower.

WENDY

First term or second term?

RUTHIE

(Smugly) Both.

CUT TO:

EXT. DARK ALLEY – LATER (DAY 4)

(CHRISTY, BOOKIE)

THE BOOKIE’S DRESSED INCOGNITO, HOODIE TIGHT OVER HIS HEAD WITH BIG SUNGLASSES AND A SCRUFFY LITTLE BEARD.  HE WAITS FOR CHRISTY BY THE DUMPSTER AS SHE APPROACHES WITH HER PAPER BAG FULL OF MONEY.  SHE’S DRESSED SLUTTY FOR WORK AT THE CLUB.

CHRISTY

Here.  It’s all there.

BOOKIE

Half in twenties, half in hundreds?

CHRISTY

Yes.

BOOKIE

Non-sequential order?

CHRISTY

Of course.

BOOKIE

This doesn’t feel like five grand.

CHRISTY

Wait?  Five grand?  I owed you two.

BOOKIE

You owed me two.  But you went double or nothing on that last play when the Seahawks lost the Superbowl.

CHRISTY

So four grand.

BOOKIE

That was over a year ago.  Interest.

CHRISTY

I guess I forgot.

BOOKIE

I don’t blame you, everyone tried to forget the devastation.  Look, kid.  I like you which is why I let that slide for so long.  Gimme the two grand now and I’ll extend your deadline for an extra hundo per week.

CHRISTY NODS AND TURNS TO LEAVE.  THE BOOKIE CHECKS HER OUT.

BOOKIE

Keep dressin’ like that, I’ll marry you and all is forgiven.  You know, community property and what nots.

CHRISTY

(Sarcastic) Tempting.  But I’m focusing on me right now.

BOOKIE

Well, if you ever want to focus on me, you got my number.

CUT TO:

INT. JILL’S NIGHTCLUB – LATER (DAY 4)

(MARJORIE, CHRISTY, BAXTER, SUAVE GUY, JILL BARTENDER, EXTRAS)

MARJORIE DROPS SOME DRINKS OFF TO SOME LITTLE HUSSIES.  SHE’S EXHAUSTED AND SLUMPS INTO A CHAIR IN THE CORNER.  CHRISTY SPOTS HER.

CHRISTY

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look awful.  Are you okay?  Do you need me to take some tables for you?

MARJORIE

Oh, no it’s okay, honey.  I’m just not used to running my ass off anymore.  It was a lot easier when I was doing speed.

CHRISTY

How much longer do you have to do this to yourself?

MARJORIE

Not too much longer now.  Maybe a month.  I have about three grand left to pay in order to keep me out of collections so I can continue treatment.

CHRISTY

That’s about where I’m at.

A WASTED BAXTER SAUNTERS OVER – HAPPY AND SURPRISED TO SEE CHRISTY.

BAXTER

Heyyyy!  Something’s weird.  You look hot!

CHRISTY

Something’s not weird.  You’re high.

BAXTER

And drunk.  Mmmm.  Wait a minute.  You look hot.

CHRISTY

You said that.

BAXTER

No, but you look slutty hot.

CHRISTY

Gee, thanks?

BAXTER

Oh, no.  You’re not drinking again are you?  Because it’s a lot of work being the only (hiccup) sober parent for our son.

MARJORIE

Don’t worry.  Christy’s staying sober.  She’s just making some extra cash.

BAXTER PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH.

BAXTER

How much do ya need?

CHRISTY

Really?

BAXTER

Yeah, I made a b-i-i-i-g commission today.  That’s why I’m out (tough word) cele-bah-rating.  It’s the least I could do.

A SUAVE SEXY GUY WALKS BY AND CHECKS CHRISTY OUT IN A VERY NOT SUBTLE WAY AS HE PASSES.

BAXTER

(Proud) I was married to her once.  (Light bulb) We should do that again!

CHRISTY

Oh, darn it.  My bookie already beat you to it.  So about that money?  Do you have like an extra three grand?

BAXTER

Anything for you, my baby mama.

CHRISTY

Wow, I like drunk Baxter.

BAXTER

Well, I gotta go.  I love you, my ex bride.

CHRISTY

Okay, bye.  Go.  Before you change your mind.

HE STUMBLES OFF.  CHRISTY HANDS THE WAD OF CASH TO MARJORIE.

CHRISTY

Go home.  Get some rest.

MARJORIE

But what about your bookie?

CHRISTY

I’ll be fine.  He gave me an out clause.

THERE’S A RAUCOUS OVER BY THE BAR AS  JILL TRIES TO RETRIEVE HER SHOCK-BALLZ ENERGY CAN FROM THE BARTENDER.

JILL

Give it to me!

BARTENDER

This stuff is serious.  Your heart stopped.  Stopped!  Have a drink instead.

JILL

What?  So I can get my stomach pumped?

BARTENDER

Heart failure is scary.  Watching someone get their stomach pumped is a job perk.

CUT TO:

INT. CHRISTY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (DAY 4)

(BONNIE, CHRISTY)

CHRISTY WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR.  BONNIE SLEEPS SOUNDLY ON THE COUCH – SNUGGLING WITH HER LUMPY MONEY-STUFFED CUSHION.  CHRISTY SLAMS THE DOOR AND STARTLES BONNIE AWAKE.

CHRISTY

What are you still doing up?

BONNIE

You know I couldn’t sleep when you were out all hours as a teenager.  It’s not any different now.  I still care.

CHRISTY

No, you couldn’t sleep when I was a teenager from all the cocaine you inhaled.  What time did Roscoe go to sleep?

BONNIE

He passed out about ten.

CHRISTY

Thanks for picking up the slack.  Say, do you think you can cover the bills next month?  Either you do that or I marry my bookie.

BONNIE LIFTS UP THE COUCH CUSHION – DOLLAR BILLS FLUTTER OUT.

BONNIE

My savings is looking a little lean and I’ve grown accustomed to my overpriced coffees, but I think we can work something out.  You think your bookie would settle for a long engagement?

INT. CAFE – MORNING (DAY 5)

(CHRISTY, BONNIE, MARJORIE, JILL, WENDY, EXTRAS)

THE GANG SITS AROUND THE TABLE.  MARJORIE SLIDES SOME CASH TO CHRISTY.

CHRISTY

What’s this for?  You need it more than I do.

MARJORIE

It’s half your money back. I appreciate that you’d marry your bookie to help me out but your mom and Jill were able to pitch in.

THEY ALL STARE AT WENDY AS SHE CHEWS HER CHEESECAKE.

WENDY

What?

JILL

Bonnie gave Marjorie money before you did.

WENDY

I’ll get the check.

THEY’RE SATISFIED WITH THAT.

CHRISTY

Jill, I’ve been meaning to ask you how you made tips when you didn’t even work at the club?

JILL

I was charging for autographs.

WENDY

And I charged for pictures of her passed out when she died for a bit.

JILL

Sure was fun to relive the glory days.

CHRISTY

I’m just glad I can quit now.  That is no longer my scene.

BONNIE

You have a scene?

CHRISTY

Yeah, you’re looking at it.

MARJORIE

Well, I couldn’t be more grateful for you guys.  Isn’t it special how we could pull together like that?

CHRISTY

Like some sort of super hero squad.  A really inappropriately dressed gang of super girls.

BONNIE

Marjorie and her legion of alcoholic whores.

WENDY

Let’s keep it P.C.  They’ll call you the Ladies of the Night.

CHRISTY

I don’t care what they call us.  As long as I get my bookie paid off, I’ll never have to see him again.  Okay, if I get my bookie paid off and stop betting on football.

FADE TO BLACK:

END OF

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. DARK ALLEY – NIGHT (DAY 5)

(CHRISTY, BOOKIE, BOUNCER)

THE BOUNCER HOLDS A BIBLE AS HE STANDS BEFORE CHRISTY IN A SKIMPY WHITE DRESS WITH A VEIL AND HER BOOKIE DRESSED THE SAME AS BEFORE BUT WITH A BOW-TIE OVER HIS HOODIE.

BOUNCER

I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may swap spit with your bride.

CHRISTY AND THE BOOKIE GO AT IT.

SMASHCUT TO:

INT. CHRISTY’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NIGHT (DAY 5)

(CHRISTY)

CHRISTY SPOONS HER PILLOW AND KISSES IT.  HER EYES POP OPEN.

CHRISTY

I’ve got to get a boyfriend.

SFX: FLUSH

BONNIE WALKS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

BONNIE

I’ll say.  And I need a new pillow.

BONNIE TOSSES THE PILLOW ON THE FLOOR AND GETS INTO THE BED.

CUT TO BLACK:

END OF

Just when you thought #TBBT couldn’t get any better…

Jack McBrayer and Katey Sagal are joining The Big Bang Theory, it was announced today at a Comic-Con panel of the hit CBS/WBTV show’s writers. They will play, respectively, Penny’s brother and mother. “We are finally going to meet more of Penny’s family,” EP Steve Molaro said. “We’re going to be meeting Penny’s mom and […]

via Jack McBrayer & Katey Sagal Join ‘Big Bang Theory’ – Comic-Con — Deadline

NERDY JOKES FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY #tbbt EXPLAINED!

You all tune in to The Big Bang Theory to laugh at your favorite nerds. But what if you take a look back and can actually laugh with them?

The herd of nerds you have all grown to love are often too smart for their own good, their booksmarts having earned them the occasional restraining order and Peeping-Tom status. They’ve fought over the feasibility of Superman’s ability to catch Lois Lane two feet from the ground after she fell from a helicopter, yet Sheldon, Leonard, Raj and Howard are willing to stipulate for argument’s sake that a man can fly. They are so full of themselves that they claim to be decedents of Archimedes, yet they have accepted the fact that getting pantsed and having your hair washed upside down in the toilet is a fact of life for their kind (miraculously, they’ve managed to get themselves girlfriends, wives and a dog).

Then, there’s Penny. Poor average IQed Penny. How has she managed to keep up with the group’s conversation…or should we be asking why does she do it? Same reason we have tuned in every week for nearly nine glorious years! Even though we often smile and nod as the geeky ramblings fly right over our heads, here’s a few jokes that you don’t want to miss even if you didn’t pass ninth grade science.

10. Cylon Toast aka Toaster Toast.

As is common in the show, other shows are often referenced in The Big Bang Theory. In Season 3, Episode 6 “The Cornhusker Vortex”, Sheldon is making Cylon Toast with his awesome nerd-toaster that burns an image of a Cylon from Battlestar Galactica into the toast. To answer Sheldon’s question to Leonard of “What’s funny about Cylon toast?” – the general audience laughs at them because eating toast with some sort of action figure’s face burnt into it would be like grown-up normal-IQed people ordering Mickey Mouse pancakes (and not ironically). But the real joke is that in the Battlestar series, the old-school cavemen of the Cylons are often referred to as “toasters” due to their resemblance of an old-fashioned metal toaster.

Such a toaster actually exists.

9. Hey, Baby, Nice Hadron Colliders!

In Season 8, Episode 5 “The Focus Attentuation” when the Amy, Bernadette and Penny took a girls trip to Vegas, it seemed more like a trip to an alternate universe in that Penny stayed in to study while Amy and Bernie went out for margarita buckets. Before hittin’ the town, Amy and Bernie give themselves a pep talk:

Amy: But enough about Penny, let’s talk about us. We’re looking good.
Bernadette: We are.
Amy: Better than good. I mean look at you, you’re body’s bangin’.
Bernadette: Amy!
Amy: Don’t Amy me. We’re always talking about how hot Penny is. Come on, scientist to scientist, how big are those hadron colliders?

To the non-nerd, a “hadron collider” sounds like some sort of rocket ship from that “Battlestar Trek Wars” show the geeks always talk about. In fact, hadron colliders are something quite complex and a sort of particle accelerator (please, geeks, feel free to explain, however, unimportant to the joke). What’s funny is that one of Feynman’s diagrams for the LHC Large Hadron Collider, looks just like a pair of boobies.

8. A Ring is Round and Has No End…

In the “Friendship Algorithm” (Season 2, Episode 13), for some ungodly reason, Sheldon wants to become friends with Barry Kripke (aka Bawwy Kwipke). After Leonard tells Penny he only became friends with Sheldon because (unfortunate for him) he answered a flier posted in the university cafeteria for a roommate, she wonders how and why Howard and Raj became friends with Sheldon. Leonard responded with, “I dunno. How do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.” To which Penny responded with “Sure, when you put it like that.”

To explain, the valence electrons (VE) are nearby and the proximity electrons, while they try to escape, inevitably bounce back (known as back scattered electrons). Within all this, at times, like Sheldon, the carbon atom is put in an “excited state” helpful in bonding. Basically, because they work closely with Sheldon, Howard and Raj can run, but they can’t escape.

Another excited electron joke told by Sheldon in another episode goes: “Why are you so excited this morning? Got some electrons in F-orbital?”

7. Sheldon is the Doppler Effect

Season 1 episode 6. Sheldon dresses as the Doppler Effect for Halloween. On Halloween, you can dress like anything or anyone you want in the entire world. You would think the man who has a superhero shirt for every day of the week and costumes galore for comic-con, whose idol is Dr. Spock, dresses as an idea.

He goes as the Doppler Effect, which, to simplify is the increase or decrease of sound as it moves toward or away from you. Think of a siren as it approaches then passes. But it is the perfect costume for him because Sheldon’s frequency increases as he approaches as well with all that annoying noise that comes from his mouth.

6. Define: “Little” Misunderstanding.

In “The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization” Season 1, Episode 9, Penny and Sheldon are stuck walking up the stairs together and in an effort to make the small talk Sheldon desperately doesn’t want to engage in, Penny casually mentions Leonard and Sheldon’s “little misunderstanding.” To which Sheldon replies, “A little misunderstanding?! Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding!”

In the Pope versus Galileo, Galileo was threatened with being burned at the stake if he didn’t renounce his scientific work which the Catholic Church at the time found to be a heresy. Whereas, Sheldon merely tossed a piece of mail into the garbage (albeit, Leonard had every right to be upset). For someone who doesn’t understand sarcasm, Sheldon sure hit the mark with this analogy.

5. Amy is a Pun Girl.

When you meet Amy in the last episode of Season 3 she seems as dry and robotic as Sheldon. But into the first episode of Season 4 the audience is privy to seeing her whimsical side. Sheldon is texting her (as he communicates with her on a daily basis by this point) and is amused by Amy’s dry-cleaning related pun while picking up her clothes: “I don’t care for perchloroethylene, and I don’t like glycol ether.” To which Sheldon responded with a genuine “LOL.”

Perchloroethylene and glycol ether are both used in the martinizing industry. Luckily, Sheldon explained that one to us….ether sounds like either.

4. Pass the Manganese, Please.

Hanging out with the #TBBT gang, Penny has received nothing short of an ivy league education. In “The Luminous Fish Effect” (Season 1, Episode 4), when Sheldon tags along with poor Penny to the supermarket, she gets quite the education. After fun facts about bacteria on refrigerated foods and being reminded that tomatoes are actually fruits, Sheldon is onto the next lesson when he sees Penny selecting multi-vitamins. Sheldon tells her, “There’s some value to taking a multi-vitamin, but, the human body can only absorb so much. What you’re buying here are the ingredients of a very expensive urine.” To which she replies, “Well, maybe that’s what I was going for.” So Sheldon offers her his advice, “Well, then, you’ll want some Manganese!”

Manganese is used in vitamins but also used in wartime American nickels and since the 2000’s the dollar coin. It is also used to harden metals and in batteries. It is also an additive to unleaded gasoline. Due to the high-price of gas, her urine would be very expensive!

Not to mention the vitamin usage of manganese supports brain function – which in Sheldon’s opinion, Penny (and everyone who isn’t Dr. Sheldon Cooper) could use a dose of.

3. The Whiteboards.

The ever-changing white-board you see in the background of the apartment and office scenes contain real problems, oftentimes a shout out to new developments in science (mainly physics and chemistry). Sometimes the formulas are totally outdated concepts for laughs (well-earned if you are able to recognize that). Others contain problems that relate to the episode’s topic.

If you have a working knowledge of physics, these Easter eggs can provide hours of fun much

like finding the Boby Dylan lyrics hidden in the Polish scientists’ commentary on research (not in the actual research, they’re not hippies after all).

2. Schrodinger’s Cat

Schrodinger’s Cat is a mysterious cat. The concept is introduced in Season 1 by Sheldon to Penny as her first physics lesson that stuck. Sheldon explained it to her (over-explained, really) when she wasn’t sure if going on her first date with Leonard was a good idea. He used the analogy to explain to her that she’ll never know if dating Leonard is a positive or negative unless she tries. When he kisses her she exclaims “The cat’s alive!” and they decide to go through with the date. Subsequently, Penny has explained the concept to one of her dates (who wasn’t Leonard – the cat wasn’t alive anymore at that point) in Season 2. Later in Season 5, Sheldon brings it back up when expressing the status of his and Leonard’s friendship, pending Leonard’s actions of either going or not going to Wil Wheaton’s party.

The Schrodinger’s Cat is a thought experiment that is best described as a live cat put in a box with a spontaneously radioactive poison that will emit the radiation at an unknown time. So until the box is opened, the cat is presumed both dead and alive.

Between, Sheldon and Leonard and Leonard and Penny, Schrodinger’s Cat has significantly more than nine lives.

1. The Spherical Chicken in a Vacuum Must Exist.

In the Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization, Leonard gets ready to present his (and Sheldon’s) work at a conference. Raj suggests that he should open with a joke. The joke he proposes:

“There’s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won’t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum.”

It’s silly because a farmer wouldn’t call a physicist to help with his Farming 101 problem. But it’s hilarious to anyone with a working knowledge in physics because in physics, an idea has to start somewhere and if an object is spherical it has equal distribution of forces. The same concept is assuming these objects exist in the vacuum because there is no resistance there. They start their solutions in this way to come to the more complicated equations. So the only way a physicist could solve the farmer’s problem is with a complicated solution which uses a non-existent spherical chicken in a vacuum when in reality he just needs to try some different feed or make sure another hen isn’t stressing her out.